I have been given the gift of 3 daughters.
They are so many adjectives I don't even want to get started.
My first was born when I was 19.
She took my heart and did something with it I never thought possible.
Then I married the love of my life.
We struggled with infertility for 11 very long hard years.
Along came a blessing I thought would never come.
Her name is Maya.
We thought we were done.
3 years later a blessing we NEVER even dreamed of came blustering into our lives.
She threw our world into a tailspin.
Her name is Peyton and she is...well...I can't explain how I feel about this girl.
It took me awhile to bond with her because she literally changed every aspect of my world.
But when we bonded...we bonded good and strong.
I was in school when the first appeared in my life.
I was going to go back to school before the second came.
When the third was in 1st grade I figured it was my time to take some of me and do something with it that I really really wanted to.
Turns out that is not the plan.
My two littles are struggling.
Life isn't fair for them in so many ways.
They are strong but right now they aren't quite strong enough to deal with what they have been given.
A dear friend pointed out to me that they are at a crossroads.
I already knew this.
I've been praying about it for months.
I thought maybe the nagging doubts about what I was doing where caused by bi-polar.
Maybe self-doubt was taking over.
Maybe I just didn't want to give it up.
Sometimes I feel selfish and just want to be about me.
I have a fear of failure and I was feeling like a failure.
It took a prompting that led me to a wise mother-friend.
She was waiting for me.
She answered my need for advice before the question even came out of my mouth.
God had prepared her to give me the answer I needed to hear.
He knew I would listen to her.
She is a good woman.
I didn't choose the life that is all about me.
I chose motherhood and motherhood isn't about me time.
It's about choosing what is best for these little people who need me.
They need me right now more than ever.
I am their safe place.
I am what they need...their mother.
I love them with all of my heart.
I want them to overcome the challenges and soar higher than ever anticipated.
I need to be there for them at the crossroads to guide them.
It's just not my time.
I love doing my art retreats.
I have met women that have enriched my life in ways they will never even know.
I have met friends who are life friends.
They know my heart in ways that others won't.
I have learned from teachers that taught me so much more than art.
I will miss it so much it hurts.
It's just not my time for this.
It's taken me months to let this reality sink in.
I thank all of you for the support and love and friendship.
So...with all of that said.
This retreat is my last for awhile.
I don't know how long...I know this year.
Maybe the next and the next.
I have to be here for the ones who mean the most.
My family is everything to me and they need me here wholeheartedly.
Why is it that sometimes the decisions that are right are the ones that hurt most?