Sunday, February 3, 2013

Identity.

(me and the man circa 1984)

We have been going to a family therapist.
There is some stuff with one of our girls
and we are trying to get her the help she
needs and get us the help we need to learn
how to help her...help, help, help! HA.
Anyhow the other night it was just the man
and me that went to see her.
Seems he and I are not the greatest at
communicating.  Double HA.
We were talking about my family situation
and fathers and blah, blah, blah and she 
said this to me...You probably had such 
a hard time finding your identity.
It kind of took me back.
I have struggled with that my whole life.
It was weird to have someone say it.
I told her, yes, I did have a VERY hard
time with that until about a year ago.
39 years.
No idea who or what I was or wanted to be.
That's a long damn time.
*wink and a smile*

(me and the man engagement photo 1993)

So, Marci, you are asking...
What is the point of all of this?
First of all let me say this.
We are all constantly changing.
So, really if you think about it who I am
today may not be who I am tomorrow
and hopefully who I am now will not
be who I am next year.
I want to be a BETTER version of me!

(me and the man on our way to The Farm Chicks  2008)

I lost my train of thought there for a minute.
Let me try this again.
I was just sitting on the floor of my sewing room,
which is so full of @#$% that I can't get in there.
I am a serial buyer.  
{ahem.hoarder tendencies}
I see something I want to do and I buy
everything you would need to do that thing
and then I never do it.
I am also one of those people who
are deathly afraid of failing.
If I think for one second that it won't turn
out fabulous I won't even try for fear of
ruining it or having it not turn out perfect.
True story.

(me and the man deer hunting 2007)

That brings me to now.
I know what I want to do.
I know what makes my heart most happy.
This clutter is not part of that.
It's gotta go.
And I just now had the feeling that I could let it go.
And as luck would have it I am doing an art retreat
and I can take so much of it and we can use it to create!
I will have a booth at Vintage Whites and I can take all of
my vintage goodies that have been taking up space and
let someone else enjoy them instead of having them sit here.

(me and the man 2010)

I love this feeling of growing into myself.
I wish it would have happened a long time ago
and at the same time I'm glad that I am old enough
and have lived enough to REALLY feel things
changing for me.  To feel gratitude to those who have
helped me get here over the past couple of years.
To feel the love that is there for me.
It's pretty amazing really.

Well this post went all over the place and I am sorry
for that but I had to get this out of my heart and 
tell it to you...I'm not sure why, but I did.
And if you are wondering why all of these pictures
include that guy it's because he has been
here by my side for 20 years and has been
the most solid part of my life.
He deserves lots of credit for helping me find myself.
The end.



10 comments:

  1. I am so glad for you. For your honesty, for your beauty, for you sharing you-even of you weren't sure who it was at the time. You have inspired many and will continue to, on this quest for identity...just love ya! However you are...whoever you are right now and always!

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  2. Our engagement photos (circa 1994) are almost identical to yours. It's a little bit freaky. ;)

    I love YOU!!

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    1. It wasn't perfect, so I had to delete it. We must be related or somethin :) I enjoyed the post.

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  4. OH MY HECK!!! We are even more alike than I realize. It took someone else to say something to wake me up and I never realized I was just trying to survive, growing up. Wanting a daddy, but realizing once I was married that I could watch that kind of daddy thru my children's eyes, and I'm ok with that now. I have also realized I am a work in progress daily, just like a collage. And I won't be finished until God calls me home! But I love who I have become and am finding ways to better the parts in me that are lacking, but only with God's help and one step at a time. When that is strengthened, I will move on to the next thing. I am the person I am today because of the things I have endured thru my life, but I am blessed to have learned from it, where so many keep making the same mistakes. Your marriage will always be under construction and that's ok, as long as you keep building and fortifying it with the Lord's help daily, as well as your family too. You are better and stronger than you think you are. My prayers are with you for God to keep giving you strength, peace, and joy in your journey. You are such a beautiful soul and make so many people feel good, do the same for yourself and I am here anytime you need a shoulder, an ear to listen or a dingbat to laugh at!!!<3 <3 <3

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  5. Ah, Marci, love the honesty and the imperfection. And the pictures :-) !

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  6. great post marci! we do grow, change, evolve, grow some more. i'm thankful for that because if i was who i thought i wanted to be years ago, i'd be in trouble maybe! but i really know that i am exactly who i am just want to be better and do better. i still struggle with the hoarding of things, but i am taking it one day at a time and making kits for others, using my stash ;) i really wish i could make it to your event i know that it will be amazing!

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  7. there you are. and here i am. love that post, i think i can relate...in more ways than one. missed you.

    now it is time for me to get caught up on what you have been up to.

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  8. What an honest & wonderful post. I can imagine some of that is not hard to put out there, much less in a blog post. I too have that fear of failing, was just talking about it w/a dear friend of mine. But I am learning to go for it! And I am SO HAPPY for you & that you are GOING for it! Much success & love! Debbie

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Why hello there! I love to get comments...they make me supa happy.:)